Today, I have a little story to tell. It all started with this guy. He was having a pretty good day, his appointments had gone swimmingly and he was headed home for the day. He had to stop and get some gasoline and while went into the convenience shop. There, he saw the greatest gastronomical achievement of man: the honey bun. He grabbed two. As he returned to his car he unwrapped a bun and started enjoying it immensely. As he hit the highway he began merging into the left lane and heard a horrible screeching sound and a horn blaring. He had almost been hit! He nearly died! And to think he wasn’t even done with the glorious honey bun! Granted, him stuffing his face with the honey bun may have significantly influenced this whole episode. But maybe…just maybe, it was the honey bun that saved him?
The man in the story was me, a very recent me at that. And my postulation is this: that there must be some correlation between honey buns and immortality. Give me a second here. Think about it, have you ever heard of a story where there was a honey bun involved and it didn’t turn out well? Have you ever heard of someone who still had a honey bun to finish and somehow met with a tragic end? NO. You haven’t and neither have I- and trust me, I’ve done my own bit of investigative research, used the internet and everything. I’ve looked.
IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO DIE WITH AN UNFINISHED HONEY BUN?! Somehow, the honey bun has manifested itself as the elixir of life, and it has been in plain sight all this time. Now, don’t get greedy or take advantage of this situation lest it lose its magical power. But the universe has gifted that little dough ball with a spectacular trait. It’s already delicious, frosty, tasty, a straight up surgary goodness. But it can also save your life given certain circumstances; given the obvious down side of this could arguably be obesity and/or diabetes. But hey, maybe if you workout regularly, eat healthy, and always have an unfinished honey bun…you might just live forever.
(disclaimer: this epiphany has not been tried and tested enough to rely solely on the magnificence of honey buns alone, try seat belts and all that too)